These Ties That Bind
by RoxySkiChica
Summary: AU Spashley..Tough Love.


**So, this is just a short spashley story. It should be about 4 maybe 5 parts. Its a sad one, but I think it is (s) from Greys Anatomy.**-Chapter One

**Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.**

_I'm nine and I see this new girl who just moved in across the street from me. She has long blonde hair. She also looks around my age. I see her running around her front lawn with an older blonde haired boy. I think its her brother. My mother grabs my hand and takes me with her to greet the new neighbors. I don't really want to go, but I don't think I have much of a choice._

_We walk up to their front lawn and the blonde haired girl comes running towards us with something. I think its a toy gun. She is making shooting sounds. "Attack!" She screams and the older boy comes out from behind the trashcan and shoots me with a water gun. I flinch and squeeze my moms hand tighter and attempt to hide behind her._

_"SPENCER CARLIN, What are you doing?!" An older blonde lady comes out from the house and snatches away her gun. "And YOU mister and in BIG trouble!" She points at the young boy and says it in a motherly tone. _

_She looks down at my soaked shirt and then to my mom. "I am so sorry about that."_

_"Its no problem. Kids will be kids." She laughs and sticks her hand out that is holding the batch of cookies we made them. "Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm Christine Davies and this is my daughter, Ashley. My husband is Raife. He is at work today."_

_"Nice to meet you. I'm Paula Carlin and these are my two children. Glen and Spencer." _

I sit up in my bed and put my feet on the cold floor. I let out a sigh and run my hand through my messy hair. I get up and walk into the kitchen. I take a glass from the cabinet and then fill it with water. I hold it for a few minutes, staring into the dark, empty street. I chug it down and set it in the sink. I walk into my office room and turn on the desk lamp. I sit in the leather chair and open the drawer and pull out a box full of photos. Its a picture of me and a blonde girl, at the age of 11 years old. I go into a day dream.

_"Whats behind your back?" I say slightly nervous, you could never be sure with her._

_"I'm not telling" She flashes a toothy grin at me."Speennnceerrrr" I say annoyed._

_She takes a step forward and makes a run at me. I scream and try to run away but she is too fast. She tackles me, making us plunge into the couch. "Gotcha!" She is bigger than _

_me and a lot stronger._

_"Stop it" I try to wiggle away._

_FLASH._

_A camera goes off. "Hold still Ash" She cups my face with one hand and smushes our faces together. I smile at her sillyness and she takes another one._

_"Will you leave me alone now?" I ask._

_She gets off me. "Yep" She says cheerfully and skips out of my house and across the street to hers. _

I smile and hold it in my shaking hands.

I pull out another one.

_Its a picture of us when we were about 14. We are wearing way to much make up._

_"Look what I got" Spencer lays on my bed and dumps a bag of make up on it._

_"Where'd you get this?" I ask. I know her mother doesn't let her wear it. Not until she is sixteen._

_"Glens girl friend" She says excitedly. "Wanna put it on each other?" She asks, holding up some base make up._

_"Sure" I say._

_She grabs it and then takes this pad thing and pours the liquid make up on it and then grabs my chin. "hold still, kay?"_

_"yeah" I mumble._

_She then puts lip stick on me and some blush. "Done yet?" I ask._

_"No." She looks at me like she is thinking really hard about something. _

_"What?" I request._

_"You need some eye make up" She grabs some blue eye shadow and tells me to close my eyes._

_She puts her hand on my thigh to steady herself and then applies it on me._

_"Done" She says happily and holds up a small mirror infront of my face._

_"I look like...a clown." I say unhappy. "Your turn" I smirk at her and grab the base make up._

_Fifteen minutes later we are making fun of each other and how crazy we both look._

_She grabs her camera and sits next to me. "Ready?" She asks._

_"Yeah" I smile and we pose for the camera._

I feel hot tears run down my cheeks and I wipe them away.

"Damn you Spencer Carlin" I mutter and put the picture back in the box and close it. I turn the light off and go back to my room. I lay on my back, trying to fall asleep. But I can't. I am thinking of her and I am getting sick to my stomach. I cup my hand over my mouth and run into the bathroom. I grab the sides of the toilet and hurl my guts into it. I wipe the vomit off my lips and go back to bed. I lay on my side and clench my eyes shut and count sheep.

Somehow I manage to fall asleep.

Even though there is nothing to wake up to, I get up anyways.

**Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.**

Chapter two

**It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of residency, waiting in line for a chance at the operating table, and then there's the most important line, the line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar, to make friends. You need boundaries, between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines. Drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them.**

_Paula and Spencer come barging into my living room. "Ashley, will you please put some sense into my daughter." Paula demands._

_"Um, I have no idea what your talking about." I stand up and look at Spencer for an answer._

_"Mom" Spencer groans._

_"She wants to go into the Marines!" Paula croaks and lets out a gasp._

_"It's not that big of a deal." Spencer says nonchalantly and crosses her arms._

_Suddenly my throat is dry. "You're what?" I ask surprised._

_"I'm going to be a Marine" She states proudly._

_"Why?" I ask, staring into her eyes._

_"Yeah Spencer, Why?" Paula repeats._

_"Is it really that bad to want to do something good for my country?!" She yells and throws her arms into the air. She angrily leaves me and Paula standing alone._

_Paula walks out and goes back to her house._

_I sigh and put my flip flops on and hurriedly walk out to the side walk. I look both ways, and no see no sign of Spencer._

_I know where she is._

_I walk to the water tower outside of town and I see Spencer sitting at the top with her legs dangling off the edge._

_I climb my way up and sit next to her._

_"I just want to protect my friends and family." She picks at her nails._

_"I know" I say solemnly. Spencer has always been interested in the Armed Forces. All she ever did until we were thirteen was play 'war' with her brother. _

_"My dad was good man. I want to make him proud."_

_"And I'm sure you will." I take her hand in mine. "When?" I ask quietly._

_"I'm not sure"_

_We are only sixteen, but I know she is dead serious. The moment she is eighteen, she will join the Marines._

_I lay my head against my shoulder. "She's not going to like this."_

_"I know."_

_"And you might go to war."_

_"I know."_

_"I love you" I spit out._

_"I know."_

_"Stop"_

"_Stop what?"_

_"Stop saying 'I know'""Okay...I love you. You're the bestest friend ever"_

_I smile and stand up, holding my hands out to help her up. "I'm glad we're friends Spence" I say honestly._

_"Me too" She kisses my cheek like she has a thousand times before. Its a friendly kiss, and nothing more._

_As she climbs down, I touch my cheek and I get the butterflies. I shake my head and push them away._

"Ashley?..Ashley!" My best friend Kyla snaps her fingers in my face.

"What?" I push her hand away.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale." She sits on my bed.

I sit up and rub my eyes. "I'm fine"

"Good. Now get ready for work" She stands up and grabs my arm, pulling me to my feet.

We pull into the parking lot and go into the hospital.

We go into the locker room and begin changing into our scrubs.

"Ready to save lives?" Kyla asks me. She's been asking the same thing since the day we became residents at University Hospital.

"You bet" I answer and put on my white coat. We go and check in with the nurses at the front desk.

"Hey Katie, what do we got today?"

"The usual. Here" She hands us each a binder and we look at them. We both groan and switch.

"Thanks Katie" We say in unison.

"Hello Mr. Bennet. I'm and I will be performing your surgery today."

-Through out the day I perform two more surgeries and am finally able to go home.

I need to find Kyla.

I find her passed in one of the residents rooms.

"Kyla" I say softly.

"Hm?" She says still half way asleep.

"Lets go"

She gets up and takes me home.

I crawl into bed and stare at the empty side of the bed.

_Its the middle of the night when Spencer crawls through my window and lays in bed with me."_

_"Spencer?" I roll over and come face to face with her blue eyes._

_"I couldn't sleep" She bites her lip. "I have a question for you" _

_She takes my hand in hers and holds it tight._

_And then she asks the question I was hoping she never would. "Are-are you gay?" _

_I don't even know how to react, because I don't even really know the answer myself.I say the first thing that comes to mind. "no"._

_"Okay" She opens her arms for me to lay my head on her._

_I scoot over and wrap myself around her. "Goodnight Spencer"_

_"Goodnight Ashley" She kisses my head and we fall asleep._

_I wake up the next morning and she is already gone. _

**RING RING RING**

My house phone wakes me up. I roll her and answer it. "hello?" My voice is raspy.

"Ashley?"

I sit up quickly. "Spencer?!"

"Hey! How are you?" She sounds so far away.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm good, ya know, considering to situation."

"Yeah"

"Did I wake you?"

"Yea, but I don't mind."

"Oh, okay."

"When are you coming home?"

"In a month" She says excitedly.

My heart starts to beat like crazy.

"Really! That's great!" I say back even more excited.

I hear a siren go off in the back ground. "Ash,I gotta go. Tell everyone I love "

"Okay, take care Spence"

She hangs up.

I sigh and cry myself back to sleep.

**At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know, If you're willing to take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.**

Chapter three

A/N: In this "recolection" Spencer and Ashley are when its present time, Ashley and Spencer are 26 years old.**The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.**

_"She won't stop crying." Aiden, Spencer's boy friend says frantically at me._

_"Who?" I ask stupidly._

_"Spencer.I've tried everything." He rubs his hands on his pants, obviously nervous._

_"Well, what did you do?" I smack his arm._

_"I-I didn't do anything. I swear" _

_I glare at him and he swallows hard. "We were kissing and things started to get heated and then she began to cry; and she hasn't stopped."_

_I groan and look over his shoulder and see Spencer sitting in his car across the street in front of her house. I close the door on him and go to my room and grab a jacket and shoes. I open the door and he is trying to talk to her but she pushes him away._

_I walk across the street and get into the drivers side of his car. "Spencer?" I say faintly._

_She bites her lip and cries harder._

_I place my hand on her shoulder. "Spence.." I say again. "What's wrong?"_

_She shakes her head and gets out of the car._

_I jump out and run to where she is. I open my mouth to say something but she covers it with her hand and with the other grabs my hand. "Don't say anything" She says sternly and starts to walk to her house._

_I push away the hand that is on my mouth. "What the hell Spencer?" I stop walking and so does she._

_Aiden walks up to us. "Everything ok?" _

_"Yes" She says and I say "No" at the same time._

_She gives me a hard stare._

_"Go home Aiden. I'll call you tomorrow." She gives him a deep kiss and I immediately get sick to my stomach. And then she starts crying again and runs into her house._

_I give Aiden an apologetic look and chase after my best friend._

_She isn't in her room so I look out back. "Over here" She is sitting on the swing set they've have since we were little._

_I walk over to it and take a seat next to her on a swing. _

Paula engulfs me in a hug as I step onto her front porch.

"Ashley, its so good to see you." She kisses my cheek and I smile at her.

"You too Paula." I slip my shoes off and we walk further into the house. "Spencer called last night." I say.

"She did? How is she?" Paula urges me to sit on the couch.

I sit down. "Um, I think she is okay. I don't know really. It was a brief call."

"Oh"

"She told me to tell you she loves you."

Paula looks like she might cry.

"And that she will be home in a month."' I smile and take Paula's hand in mine. "She'll be okay, she has to be." I am now fighting back my own tears.

"Of course she will." Paula wipes away her tear and puts her 'brave' face on. "So now that you're here. would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Um, no, actually I can't. I have to go see my mom and then get ready for work tomorrow."

I see the disappointment in her face. "But maybe later in the week?" I offer.

"Yes, that would be nice."

We both stand up and she walks me to her front door. "It was good to see you." Paula hugs me.

"Yeah, you too." I wave at her and get into my car and drive across the street to my mothers.

I walk inside and find my mom cooking dinner. "Hey mom" I kiss her on the cheek. "Smells good" I pat my stomach.

"Hi sweetie. It'll be done in ten minutes."

"Cool"

She stops stirring and turns to me. "How are you?"

I look down at my feet. "I'm alright. Spence called"

My mom brushes her thumb across my cheek. "Is that so?"

"Yeah" I try to fight back my tears but a few stray ones get away.

"Oh sweetie." My mom tries to comfort me but all I can do is cry.

_Spencer is sitting in the dark on her swing set. She just had a total freak out._

_"So" I say, playing with my jeans._

_"Kiss me" She says quickly._

_"Okay" I say before thinking. "Wait, what?" I look at her confused._

_"Oh come on Ash, I know you want to"_

_I take a deep breath. "You're mistaken" I say it gently. I am lying through my teeth._

_She is giving me the stare down. "Isn't that what you're good at? Breaking in girls?" _

_I cannot believe she is saying this._

_"What? No!" I stand up and clench my fists. She knows how to hurt people and she does it well._

_Before I can comprehend what she is doing, she is shoving her tongue down my throat. I don't give in for one second. "I said 'You're mistaken'" I wipe my mouth and I can feel my throat getting tight and my eyes starting to sting._

_She goes at it again, and I push her away. "I said no Spencer" _

_She looks at me amazed by her actions and tries to spit out and apology. "I-I"_

_"Save it, I don't want to here it." I push past the swings and start to walk inside. I take a look back and Spencer is staring at me. She buries her head in her hands and starts to sob loudly._

_I know I shouldn't leave her like this, but sometimes you have to do whats best for you. _

I pull away from my mom to answer my phone. Its Kyla. "Hey"

"Hey, we need you at the hospital"

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can." I hang up and give my mom an apologetic look. "I have to go, duty calls."

She smiles at me and kisses me on the cheek. "Okay, see you later."

I smile. "Okay, I love you."

"I love you too honey." She hugs me and I got to work.

**At Hospital**

"What do we have?" I ask Kyla as we walk briskly down the hallway.

"24 year old male. He was thrown thirty feet from his vehicle. He has internal bleeding and one of his ribs punctured his left lung."

We walk into his room and I take one look at him. "Get an O.R. ready"

Kyla nods and I make my way to the nurses office and grab some water. I drink a cup in three large gulps.

**Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?**

Chapter four

The memory takes place over a 1.5 year time period. I hope i don't confuse anyone!

**Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.**

I ran away from her. I left the states and stayed with my Aunt that lives in Cancun. I tried to forget about Spencer and what happened. Because, as much as I wished it wasn't so, I wanted to keep kissing her. But I didn't. I left her sobbing in her backyard in the dark. Supposedly she called for weeks after I left trying to find a way to me; but I made my mom promise not to tell her. It was the week after finals, the first day of Christmas break.

The moment I got to Cancun, I enrolled in an online class, and that was that.

_I get home and quietly walk into my room. I don't bother to change out of my clothes. I basically collapsed into my bed and grabbed my ipod and headphones. I blast yellow card so loud that my ears hurt; but it makes it so I can't think about anything. _

_The next morning my mom wakes me up at 11 AM. _

_I stumble into the bathroom and brush my teeth. I go downstairs and eat some lucky charms straight from the box. My mom walks into the kitchen and eyes me down motherly like. I can feel her eyes on me as I stare at the cereal box._

_"Hi sweetie" She kisses me on the head._

_"Hey" I say quietly. "I want to move in with Aunt Carrie" _

_She stares at me dumbly. "Why?"_

_I shrug my shoulders and I can feel my throat getting tight, but I refuse to let one single tear fall. I will not cry over Spencer Carlin._

_"Ashley" She wants an answer._

_"I just..she.." I take a breath. "I need to get away"_

_"Its December" She says it like I have no idea._

_"I know, but I can do online school."_

_She sighs and sits next to me. "Look, I don't know why you want to leave, but what about Sp-"_

_I cut her off before she can say __**her**__ name. "Don't say her name..Mom, please. just let me go." I am almost in tears now._

_"Are you and her okay?"_

_I look at her and then look away. "We're just peachy." _

_"Okay sweetie. If this is what you really want"_

_"Its what I really want." I set the cereal box down and get up. I force a smile at her and then begin to walk back upstairs._

_"Ash?"_

_I stop. "Yeah?"_

_"Whatever is wrong, it'll be okay."_

_I nod my head and go up into my room. I crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. I don't wake up until 7 that night. _

I turn on my laptop and grab a beer from the fridge. After a hard days work I need to just relax. Although seeing her face every time I close my eyes doesn't make it easy. I check my email, but no work from Spencer.

_I thought about calling Spencer and tell her that I was leaving, but instead I stared at her number so long it became blurry so I gave up. I didn't have anything to say to her, I mean, I did, but none of it was worth it._

_I hate her. Not because I actually hate her, because I don't. I hate her for making me fall in love with her. I hate the way she makes my stomach get the butterflies, and the way my hands shake when I stand next to her. I hate how she says my name. I hate the way she looks at me when she is being serious and how sometimes in the middle of the night she lays as close to me as possible. But the thing I hate most is how I can't hate her. I love her so much it hurts. I swear its like a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet._

_I open my eyes and stare at my ceiling. The phone rings and I listen closely._

_"Hello? Hi Spencer..She is asleep..Yeah, she has been all day..no..I don't know if you should...she is really upset....okay I'll tell her..alright...bye" _

_The call is proceeded by footsteps on the stairway. My door opens and I roll over so I'm not facing the door._

_"Spencer called" My mom says._

_"I know" _

_"She sounded upset."_

_"I bet she did" I say bitterly. Instead of being sad about our broken friendship, I am full of anger. _

_The next day my mom puts me on a flight to Cancun. _

The phone rings. "Hello?" I say in a raspy voice.

"Look out your window"

"Okay" I pull the curtains apart and I see a familiar face. I literally drop the phone and fun to the front door and I yank it open. I run up to her, stopping a few feet in front of her. "I-How did you get here?"

She smiles. "Good to see you too"

I smile, embarrassed.

"I was sent home early."

I shove my hands in my pockets. I feel like I'm a teenager all over again.

"No hug?" She teases me.

I swiftly engulf her in the biggest hug I can muster. "I'm so glad your home"

She hugs me back "Me too"

I release my hold on her and bring my hand to her cheek. I brush my fingers across it. She closes her eyes and I lean in and kiss her. Our kiss goes from sweet to a desperate sloppy kiss. She grabs a handful of my shirt and leans back against my car. We are kissing in rhythm now and I couldn't want to be anywhere else. I pull away and look her straight in the eyes. "How long are you staying"

She tears her eyes from mine. She shifts uneasily."A week"

"That's it? A week?"

"Yeah."

"Well I'm just glad you're here right now." I smile and take her hand in mine.

"Me too"

I land on the floor hard and I rub my eyes. I yell out her name "Spencer?!"

Nothing.

It was only a fucking dream.

_My Aunt owns a small cabana on the beach. No air conditioning or anything. Its the best place to escape from the rest of the world._

_She picks me up at the airport. She takes my luggage from me. "You're going to love it here" She tells me as we get into her car._

_Its the second night of being in Mexico and I'm sitting on the front porch staring into the dark. My Aunt comes and sits next to me. "Do you love him?"_

_I chuckle. "Its not a him"_

_"Her?"_

_I sigh and bite my lip. "Yeah"_

_"Why'd you leave her then?"_

_"She broke my heart. She's been doing it for years and suddenly she decides she wants something more. But unlike a normal person, her way of telling me was shoving her tongue down my throat and saying hurtful things."_

_She speaks softly. "Do you think she loves you?"_

_"I have no idea. I left her standing in the dark by herself, sobbing. I think she finally felt what I have been feeling for so long."_

_She looks at me, telling me to keep going. _

_"She seemed some broken up, but I had to let her fall. Its what is best for me, ya know?" When I fell, she wasn't there for me."_

_"Was it really the best thing?"_

_"She broke my heart" I croak out._

_"Even if you can't see it now, you'll regret this one day." And with that she went back inside._

_I angrily get out of my chair and run towards the ocean. I trip and fall to my knee's. I break down and bury my face in my hands. My Aunt come up from behind and wraps her arms around me. I cry harder, so hard that I choke and cough on my own spit. She never said a word, she just held me._

_**A year and a half later **__Spencer left for boot camp a day after graduation. I flew back for it. She didn't know I was there. I sat in the very back row, wearing sunglasses._

_Paula wasn't supposed to know I was back, but the night of graduation while the Carlin Family was having a grad party, Paula walked into my kitchen to see if my mom wanted to join them. _

_I had my headphones in and was searching the freezer for some ice cream . I was in the process of pulling it out when I thought I heard my name. I closed the door and grabbed a spoon. I turned around and came face to face with the older blonde. I screamed and dropped the ice cream on the floor. "Paula, you scared me." I pull the headphones out of my ears._

_"Sorry." She scratches her head. "What are you doing here?"_

_"I could ask you the same thing." Over my 1.5 year absence I had developed the skill of being bitchy...not that its really a skill, but you know what I mean._

_"Does she know?" She asks me._

_I know who she is talking about. Truth be told I haven't thought about her very much. "No"_

_"Oh" _

_"Yeah"_

_"Do you want to see her?"_

_I shrug my shoulders._

_"She is leaving for boot camp tomorrow."_

_"Oh"_

_"You should talk to her Ashley."_

_I nod my head and pick up the ice cream. I walk back upstairs, I yell for my mom, telling her she has a visitor._

_That night, I lay in bed trying to figure out if I should go and see her. Instead I crawl out my window and onto the roof. I light up a cigarette and stare at her house._

_I watch as her window opens and she crawls out onto her roof. She doesn't know I'm on my roof. _

_I take a drag and slowly let it out. I watch as she lays down and stares at the stars._

_My phone goes off and it seems loud in this empty street. I try to silence it but I end up dropping it and it starts to slide down the roof. I curse and catch it just as it is about to fall to the ground. "Jesus" I go back to where I was sitting. I feel like someone is staring at me and I look up, and I see Spencer staring at me. I let out a small smile and she looks confused as hell. Instead of going through her house and walking over, she jumps off her roof. She walks across the street hurriedly, and I can tell the shit about to hit the fan._

_I watch as she crawls up the gutter drain and I stand up as she stands up onto the roof. I drop my cigarette and smash it with my foot. _

_"Spencer-" _

_Before I know it her lips are on mine, but this time I don't want to stop it._

_She cups my face with her hands. I tangle my fingers in her hair. _

_Our kisses are rushed and they might seem superficial to an onlooker but they aren't. They are full of apologies and meaning. _

_Her hands are on my waist and I have my hands around her shoulders. We stop kissing and lean our foreheads together. We are breathing hard and I take her hand in mine and we go into my room. _

_She takes her shirt off and I take mine off. We take a step towards each other and our lips come crashing together again. She moves her lips to my neck and I unzip her pants. "Shit" Is all I can get out. _

_I try to yank her pants off but she grabs my hands and puts them above my head. She pushes me up against the wall and then removes my boxers. I wrap my leg around her waist and in her mad attempt to get my under wear off she rips them. I bring her lips back to mine. I bite on her lower lip and she lets out a low moan._

_She enters me with two fingers and I close my eyes. Trying to capture this moment so I never forget. _

_IN_

_OUT_

_IN_

_OUT _

_Her movements slow as my breathing becomes faster. I dig my nails into her back and she quickens her movements again I am about to lose it. _

_It starts at my toes and then I start to scream as the orgasm comes over my body. She drowns it out with a deep kiss. I become limp and she holds me up. We are both breathing hard and I lay my head on her shoulder._

_She moves us the my bed and I lay down and close my eyes. _

_I pull the covers over me. "Ash?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I'm sorry"_

_"Me too."_

_I sit up and look her in the eyes. I need to know she means it. "I'm scared" She breathes out._

_"Me too."_

_I capture her lips with mine and I straddle her. I push my hips against her and I move my hands to her waist and begin to pull down her pants. She helps me and I toss them somewhere in the room. _

_I stop kissing her and look her in the eyes again. _

_"Do you still love me?" She asks._

_"I never stopped loving you." I say back. She smiles and I kiss her again._

_She nods her head and I enter her with two fingers._

_After the night full of passion I wake up and she's not there. _

_I walk across the street and Paula tells me she is gone. I don't see her for another two years. _

**Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion on being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire unto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. **

Chapter 5, final chapter.

**There's a reason surgeons learn to wield scalpels. We like to pretend we're hard, cold scientists. We like to pretend we're fearless. But the truth is we become surgeons because somewhere deep down we think we can cut away that which haunts us. Weakness, frailty, death.**

I sit down on my bed and close my eyes. I can hear my heart beating rapidly and it send shivers down my spine. "You can do this" I tell myself.

I stand up and run my hand through my hair. I glide my fingers over my black dress, my face gets hot. I begin to unzip it but my hands start to shake and I can't keep a hold of it.

My stomach is empty and I try to remember the last time I ate something substantial.

I curse at myself for not being able to undo a simple zipper. Its just a fucking zipper, and I can't keep my shit together long enough to unzip it.

I hear footsteps and I try harder to unzip it. "Fuck" It falls from my hands to the floor. I bend down and pick it up. When I stand up Kyla is standing in the doorway and I am startled. I gasp for air and I dare not look her in the eyes. She looks at me like everyone else does, sad.

"Hey Ash" She says taking a step into my room.

"Hey" I don't look up at her. I am fumbling with the dress.

"Need some help?" She asks.

"No" I say quickly. Once again the dress falls to the floor and I lean over and pick it up. I grapple with it some more and she puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Let me try" She pries it from my hands and unzips it with ease.

I silently curse at her for being so together.

"Thanks" I mutter and put it on. I turn around and she zips it up for me.

"Ready?" She holds out her hand and I take it.

"Yeah" We walk to her car.

We drive and I watch as the city passes me by.

The car comes to a halt, but I don't move.

"Ashley?" Kyla nudges me and turns off the engine.

"Huh?" I look at her.

"We're here" She unbuckles her seat belt and undo mine. We get out and she stands next to me. She grabs my hand and starts to walk. I don't move. My feet are stuck to the ground.

"I can't" I shake my head.

She looks at me apologetically. "Yes you can"

"No" I take a step backwards and my back bumps against the car.

"Ash" She sighs.

I stare at her and my hands begin to shake again. I get the butterflies, and not the good kind. Its the kind that make you wish you were dead. My mouth tastes like iron and I can tell I'm about to puke. I hurl over and puke. Kyla rubs my back and holds up my hair. "I'll be right at your side the whole time"

I stand up straight and wipe my mouth. I nod my head. "Promise?"

"Promise" She gives hers sweetest smile and holds out her pinky and we pinky shake.

I take a deep breath and hold onto her arm and we walk into the field of green grass and stone.

-The marines shoot off their guns and each time it causes a tear to run down my cheek. Its unsettling, and I am wishing I hadn't come.

I wish that none of this was happening.

I can wish with all my heart, but it won't do a damn thing to change any of this.

Kyla wraps her arm around me and it is slightly comforting.

I watch as the marines hand the Carlin's a flag and as Paula takes it, she burst into an uncontrollable sob. My heart aches for her, for me, for Spencer.

-I walk into my room and stand there looking at a framed picture of me and Spencer at the age of sixteen. She made me frame it and put in on my night stand. Why? I have no idea.

Kyla walks in behind me and starts to unzip my dress.

My hands are shaking, but this time the shaking takes over my whole body. "Kyla" I say hoarsely and I start to fall to the ground. She catches me and wraps her arms around me from behind. I cry and scream and she just holds me slink down to the floor and I can't stop crying. I feel like I have nothing left. She was my everything.

**It isn't just surgeons. I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something or someone. And whether we try to slice the pain away with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet- our efforts usually fail. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page or put an old story to rest- finally, finally to rest.**

Okay, so there it is. Leave some feedback and if you want me to write an epilogue, just say so. But it would have to be more than one person wanting it, ya know what I mean?.

Peace, EB


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